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A father/husbands reflective poem on his life.
An open heart
| Today, I'm feeling reflective, saddened by my history past, so I'm going to share a few words from the heart, and I've got a feeling they're going to last. You see, I'm about to call it quits, and I know I'll get no argument from Karen at all, so once again I'm left feeling empty, inadequate, unloved, unwanted and rather small. I've been on a journey of self discovery, I'd lost and had to re-find the spirit within, like Dante, I was in the middle of a dark forest, couldn't find my way out, didn't know where to begin. I'd grown to hate my job, I just couldn't stand it anymore, too many broken dreams and no purpose, I just didn't know what I was doing it for. Admittedly, I had some ghosts to bury, I couldn?t rest easy on a losing streak, knew that time waits for no man, knew there were only seven days in any one week. Sadly, Karen and I had drifted apart, and the love we once had, had died, we should have celebrated, instead we berated, until there was nothing but emptiness left inside. And you can have the biggest house in the world, and you can have a holiday in perfect paradise, but if you can't find the time for love, I'll tell you, it's just not worth the price. I felt I was irrelevant in the marriage, it was very hard to have my say, and in most of the negotiations, it was Karen's way (or Karen's way). Of course I was far from perfect, but that?s a mighty hard act to achieve, but I always had spirit in my soul, I always had a dream to believe. And blame, you cannot lie it at one person's feet, it always takes two to destroy what at one time, two had, and the decision to leave a wife and his children, is the saddest and hardest one for any Dad. Because the day you make the choice, you know that happiness evaporates before your eyes, and you'll never, ever feel complete again, although this should come as no surprise. But all anyone ever needs, is to be wanted, to be loved, and to be believed in, and without those three things, you're lost, you?re beaten and you'll never, ever win. Towards the end I'd given up, my soul was drying up, bit by bit, I'd come home from work and be ignored, in truth, I felt like a shoe borne piece of shit. There?s also been one thing stuck in my mind, so I guess the question persistently begs: What on earth did you see in me? Was I just a pay packet on a pair of legs? And from some, the silence has been deafening, you got out your pens and drew your lines, judge, jury, executioner, gravedigger, but I wish for you only happy times. And where those lines have been drawn, I've drawn even thicker ones back, it was the only way I could protect myself, because at times, it was a malicious attack. And people have asked me if I?m happy, I?ve said Yes, but in truth, I?ve lied, there's been many a lonesome night, there's been many a night where I've cried. But, you still need love, want and belief, and without that, you must be better off on your own, because at least you can love, want and believe in yourself, even if you end up doing and believing it, all alone. |
Allen Jesson
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